Rap Responsible for Abortion, Blacks Revealed to be Monolithic Hivemind

(April 14, 2007, PROVIDENCE ROCK) Esteemed journalist and self-described holy warrior Grant Swank took shots at rap music and the black community in general, much to the accolade of activist group Ignorance Is Our Mission (IIOM). During a lengthy exposée on misogyny within the rap community and the absolute innocence of radio commentor Don Imus, Swank revealed a hidden secret of the black community: they're all exactly the same.

As it turns out, everyone with a certain skin tone has exactly the same opinion, especially if they are prominent, wealthy, and easy targets. Al Sharpton and Reverend Jesse Jackson, who at times have been critical of rap music ("black mind control" in the eyes of IIOM), are the ringleaders of this domination conspiracy. "It's not about religion, upbringing, our cultural heritage, or our financial standing," an anonymous source tells us. "It's about getting the black message out. As for what that message is... well, only black folk are allowed to know."

Rap music and black leaders are responsible for abortion, the War in Iraq, AIDs (or is that the gays still?), crime, interracial marriage, and platypi. "If we were to total up all the things that the Great Black Conspiracy have caused in our society, it is more likely than not that there would be a negative balance," Calvin R. Acker, spokesperson for the IIOM said today. "It's not like our nation was founded on the unpaid slave labor of a particular racial group, and that ethnic and economic tensions remain to this day."

Regarding Imus, Acker became quiet for a moment. "Well, I mean, he's an employee of a private corporation who made a racist comment that got him fired. I mean, if you had a company and one of your employees made that kind of comment, you'd fire him too. And you would then proceed to grill your black employees as to why they listen to hip-hop."

Imus, who as of yesterday declared he would become a hermit residing in the backwater hills of rural Mississippi in order to achieve englightenment, could not be reached. On his answering machine, the automated voice simply states, "I'm just glad that everyone's forgetting what's important to expose the black conspiracy to undermine our youth. Those whippersnappers need to shape up or ship out."

The above work is parody, for Christ's sake. If you couldn't figure that out, you're either the biggest idiot on the planet or you are a racist asshole. I'm completely serious.