Chamillionaire- Evening News

Shamelessly taken from TRU.

The Greatest Poet of Our Time

50 Cent, known to his mother as Curtis Jackson, is stanky rich, and this bold position affords him a unique artistic outlook. After years of meaningless commercialization and pointless in-fighting, Fiddy offers an intriguing combination of vivid imagery and amazing wordplay comparable to the likes of Browning, Byron, Marlowe, or even Shakespeare (tangent: GOAT, Pac or Billy Shakes? Discuss.). Observe, from Mr. Cent's newest single, aptly named "I Get Money":

I take quarter water sold it in bottles for 2 bucks,
Coca-Cola came and bought it;
For billions, what the f**k?
Have a baby by me; baby
Be a millionaire
I write the check before the baby comes,
Who the f**k cares

Clearly not you, Mr. Jackson! The questionable practice of paying child support prenatally is just one demonstration of how 50 flexes his economic prowess. Curtis employs an enticing metaphor in the above snippet; after all, is his brand of rap music not equivocal to the cheap water, which he then hypes up, and then sells to the mainstream? See? Clever.

I'm stanky rich
Ima die tryna spend this shit
South side's up in in this bitch
Yeah I smell like the vault
I used to sell dope
I did play the block
Now I play on boats
In the south of France
Baby, St. Tropez

Being stanky rich is quite obviously a difficult position for anyone, as they are likely to retain the odor of a bank (especially if they, like Scrooge McDuck and Fiddy, have a vault in the back of their house for swimming in gold coins). Curtis offers a send up of his tragic past before delving into the travails that he, as a man who's paid, now must face, offering us lower beings a brief glimpse into the stanky rich life. And for that, literary scholars and listeners alike can take heed.

Get a tan? I'm already black
Rich? I'm already that

Important premise: 50 Cent does not need to be blacker or richer. He appreciates your concerns, however.

Gangsta, get a gat
Hit a head in a hat
Call that a riddle rap
Shit, f**k the chitter chat

A challenge to his critics and rivals alike, Mr. Jackson is never one to shy away from complex wordplay and daring metaphor. Indeed, he touts the expert marksmanship of an unidentified individual, and their startling ability to shoot someone regardless of their headgear. For the sake of art, we'll ignore the fact that a person wearing a hat still has several other equally valid vital organs that aren't obscured, as well as the obvious implication that wearing a hat-- unless 50's targets all wear 19th century headgear-- would only further define such a target.

To end on a good note, Fiddy spins a barrage of complex metaphors:

I'm the baker, I bake the bread
The barber, I cut ya head
The marksman, I spray the lead
"I blood clot, chop ya leg"
Do not f**k with the kid
I get biz wit the cigg
I come where you live
Ya dig?

I dig.

Rap Responsible for Abortion, Blacks Revealed to be Monolithic Hivemind

(April 14, 2007, PROVIDENCE ROCK) Esteemed journalist and self-described holy warrior Grant Swank took shots at rap music and the black community in general, much to the accolade of activist group Ignorance Is Our Mission (IIOM). During a lengthy exposée on misogyny within the rap community and the absolute innocence of radio commentor Don Imus, Swank revealed a hidden secret of the black community: they're all exactly the same.

As it turns out, everyone with a certain skin tone has exactly the same opinion, especially if they are prominent, wealthy, and easy targets. Al Sharpton and Reverend Jesse Jackson, who at times have been critical of rap music ("black mind control" in the eyes of IIOM), are the ringleaders of this domination conspiracy. "It's not about religion, upbringing, our cultural heritage, or our financial standing," an anonymous source tells us. "It's about getting the black message out. As for what that message is... well, only black folk are allowed to know."

Rap music and black leaders are responsible for abortion, the War in Iraq, AIDs (or is that the gays still?), crime, interracial marriage, and platypi. "If we were to total up all the things that the Great Black Conspiracy have caused in our society, it is more likely than not that there would be a negative balance," Calvin R. Acker, spokesperson for the IIOM said today. "It's not like our nation was founded on the unpaid slave labor of a particular racial group, and that ethnic and economic tensions remain to this day."

Regarding Imus, Acker became quiet for a moment. "Well, I mean, he's an employee of a private corporation who made a racist comment that got him fired. I mean, if you had a company and one of your employees made that kind of comment, you'd fire him too. And you would then proceed to grill your black employees as to why they listen to hip-hop."

Imus, who as of yesterday declared he would become a hermit residing in the backwater hills of rural Mississippi in order to achieve englightenment, could not be reached. On his answering machine, the automated voice simply states, "I'm just glad that everyone's forgetting what's important to expose the black conspiracy to undermine our youth. Those whippersnappers need to shape up or ship out."

The above work is parody, for Christ's sake. If you couldn't figure that out, you're either the biggest idiot on the planet or you are a racist asshole. I'm completely serious.

67 -year-old white man makes racial slur, Hip-Hop to Blame

(4/13/2007, MY COUCH) Don Imus, hip-hop enthusiast and known fan of the likes of Cam'ron, 50 Cent, Lil' Wayne, and of misogyny in general, made a recent remark on his radio show (which likely had hundreds of millions of listeners) that caused a minor controversy in the media. In case you hadn't heard, rap music directly took control of Imus's brain, retroactively causing every controversial statement the shock jock has ever made.

"It's not my fault," Imus was quoted saying to fake website KissMyAss.com. "Every time I hear Eminem spit that line where he kills his wife, I just can't keep the badness inside. I've got to let it out."

A movement has started to ban Imus from listening to hip-hop. "It's the right thing to do," rapper Aristo said in a press release sent via e-mail. "Hip-hop's an artform, not a message. If Imus can't invoke the name of rap music without bringing unjust criticism, he needs his collection taken from him. Those bootleg mixtapes, his Biggie Smalls poster, hell, even his Run-DMC and Rakim albums, just to be safe."

The above was a work of parody. Now can we please talk about something that matters?

Correction to the above information: Don Imus is only 66 years old. He is, however, still white.